Hard Digest September 7: Early Access Gorguts, Alex Jones, and RFK Jr.

Attractive Woman on Subway Probably Just Waiting Until the Right Moment to Compliment Your Gorguts Shirt

By Steve Packosky

BOSTON — An attractive woman seated across from you on the subway was probably just waiting until the right moment to tell you how much she likes your Gorguts shirt, overly confident sources report.

“She immediately caught my eye when I hopped on at the last stop,” you mentioned. “So I made sure to stand about five feet away from her, and I’m positioned so if she looks up from her book she’ll definitely be able to see my shirt. It has the artwork from their ‘Obscura’ album, so I’ll know she’ll appreciate how intelligent I am. I’m a sophisticated metalhead with a taste for profound lyrical themes, atonal melodies and unconventional song structures, and it shows. I’m willing to bet that she’ll immediately fall into my arms the second she notices me.”

Amelia Barnhardt, the woman you’ve been observing, was unaware that she was being passively courted.

“I just finished a long day at work, and I only want to make it home unbothered,” Barnhardt sighed. “I’m a nurse, so I’ve been on my feet for hours. It’s a huge relief to sit down and read a chapter of the latest book in the ‘Stormlight Archive’ before I get to my apartment and collapse into bed. I don’t know what a ‘Gorguts’ is or why I should care why some dude with greasy hair and glasses keeps pushing in front of the people standing across from me and watching me out of the corner of his eyes. Honestly, can I just get from my job to my home without being leered at by creepy dweebs and guys who like bands no one’s ever heard of? Is that too much to ask for?”

Sociologist Tanvi Barrett has studied these situations before.

“This is sadly common among metalheads,” Barrett confirmed. “They’ll spend an unbelievable amount of time meticulously combing through their shirt collections before getting dressed, as if anybody would notice. God forbid they get a rare compliment from a passerby, because that will validate this entire practice for years to come. I have yet to come across an instance of a metalhead gaining the affections of a woman solely as a result of the shirt he’s wearing, but try communicating that to them. They’re all seemingly convinced that women are crawling over one another to fawn over their Monstrosity shirts.”

At press time, you had repositioned yourself so Barnhardt had a clear view of the new Dismember tattoo on your right forearm.

The Next Alex Jones? This Parrot Learned To Say “Deep State”

By Jason VanSlycke

Does anyone want to buy a parrot? He’s a beautiful blue and yellow macaw, very well-behaved, enjoys grapes, and, unfortunately, he knows how to say “Deep State.” And it’s the only thing he knows how to say. He says it a lot. And really loud. But he’s so cute when he’s eating grapes.

He’s heavily discounted on account of he learned to say “Deep State” and will proceed to say “Deep State” twenty times an hour. He’s a very sweet bird, and he loves beak rubs but he’s gonna ruin every date you have on account of him yelling “Deep State.” You will have to apologize. A lot.

Don’t look at me, I didn’t teach him to say “Deep State.” I got this parrot from a pretty sketchy pet store next to the Military Surplus place. They had a TV that was just playing manosphere YouTube clips. The only mice they had were white. They named all their geckos after dictators. But this parrot caught my eye. He looked so elegant and majestic. A work of art by the artist known as nature. And I didn’t hear him say “Deep State” until the drive home so it was too late to return him.

He’s a good bird if you don’t ever have to do Zoom meetings from home, or plan on hosting parties, or want to raise children who don’t learn to randomly yell “Deep State.” Although that would probably guarantee them a job in the current administration, maybe even a cabinet position. So perhaps you should get this bird as an investment in your children’s future, what’s left of their future, anyways.

My weird cousin wants to give this parrot a podcast. She keeps uploading videos of him yelling “Deep State” and tagging Infowars It’s been getting a lot of views, people are active in the comments, there’s even a Reddit group set up to discuss who the parrot is accusing of being in the Deep State. It got so popular Jim Bruer even sent us a cease and desist, but we won’t take anything serious unless it’s from a C-tier former SNL cast member or above.

They must feel threatened by how powerful this bird says “Deep State.” And how loud he says it. And often. He doesn’t have any strong opinions on vaccines or understand how microphones and cameras work but success today isn’t built on an understanding of how things work, it’s just about how loud you can yell something over and over again until you get a sponsorship deal from a nootropics company.

And unlike Alex Jones this parrot is in no danger of slandering victims, questioning basic science, or denying the Holocaust. Just pure unadulterated “Deep State” with the decibel level of a car horn. And the beak rubs, he loves beak rubs.

RFK Jr. Claims He Can Tell a Child Is Unhealthy Just by Licking Them

By Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed that he could tell a child is unhealthy just by licking them, sources confirmed.

“I know what a healthy child is supposed to taste like,” said Kennedy alongside his Make America Healthy Again team. “You can get a lot of information from tongue to skin contact. Temperature, salinity, texture, they should in no way taste gamey or stale, yet the children I lick when I’m walking through the airport or down the street all taste the same, unhealthy. The President and I are adamant that every child in this country needs to pass the lick test before we can truly make America healthy again.”

This unusual talent Kennedy Jr. possesses has been vital in the legislation he and his team are pursuing to pass into law.

“He had unknowingly trained his senses through a diet of raw milk and bearcub meat,” said Joe Bones, director of MAHA’s marketing team. “Secretary Kenndy’s tastebuds are adept at sensing mitochondrial imbalances, inflammation, and plaque psoriasis. And if you give him a sample to chew on for the day he can give you a diagnosis at 99.87% accuracy. We’ve even started compiling a national database of American children that organizes them by overall health, history of disease, which kids would pair well together with a fine red wine.”

More than 1,000 current and former employees of HHS have called for Kennedy Jr.’s immediate resignation since his war on vaccines, and even more have raised their voices against his non-consensual child tonguing.

“I’m not sure if I’m breaking this news here, but Robert Kennedy Jr. does not have a medical degree,” said Dr. Jodi McNemara, former Director of the CDC. “It’s become clear that the brain worm is calling the shots now, and the American children are going to suffer. The claims RFK Jr. makes about his saliva containing cancer fighting antibodies is complete BS! I am begging the parents of this country to never allow a 71-year-old man to lick your child, no matter how high up they are in the United States Government.”

At press time, the HHS has begun a nationwide campaign to get the cheeks of America’s youth onto the Health Secretary’s tongue in a cross-country bus tour.