Blowjobs Are Objectively Important

If you’ve known me a while, you might have noticed that I’m slightly enthusiastic about blowjobs (and cupcakes). I know that’s more vanilla than ice cream (and cupcakes). It’s not going to win me any kink cred, but hear me out.

Have you ever met one of those men who prides himself on his sexual technique? Me too. After 60 minutes spent tracing the alphabet on my clit, I asked him if I could turn on the television while he finished. Even Tom Hardy could apply those kinds of skills without results. My body doesn’t care about your mechanical sex skills. It would sooner give away its last cupcake than deal with that sort of thing.

There are three kinds of men:

-1) Those who plan sexual escapades in advance, then ask you to undress from the other side of the room when you get there.

-2) Those who make you realise your clothes are off when you didn’t even notice they’d started to undress you.

-3) Those who buy you cupcakes.

Far be it from me to criticise Man #3, but I’m a #2 person. Do you know what kind of man manages to get you un-frocked in that much orgasmic chaos? A man who loves sex, and that, folks, is how I define sexual talent. Loving sex is the whole journey.

Ever notice how 99% of porn is about mechanics? FUN FACT: Pornhub doesn’t have a search term called “men who are actually, seriously enjoying this.” If they did, they’d probably have more female users, because we don’t want headless men with floppy dicks who are barely losing a breath. We want a man who feels every sigh.

Personally, I’d prefer it if he was a living portrayal of that old Nine Inch Nails song because a man who wants you that desperately is always going to be a great lay. I don’t care how crap his spanking skills are. I’m going to enjoy this crappy technique just fine.

The trouble is he’s got to really feel it. I can tell the difference between a half-hearted gasp and that barely-audible catch of breath that says, “I just can’t restrain myself anymore.”

Enter blowjobs: They force a man to focus on what he feels, and that’s often the fastest way to shatter the barrier between control and utter abandon. A man who can really lose himself in what he feels is worth all my cupcakes. Even the Nutella ones.